It is safe to assume that Esther Perel never aimed to become a celebrity. When his first book, sex in captivityPublished in September 2006, his topic was still mainly a topic of discussion among friends after several drinks, or among psychology professors at bourgeois parties. Thanks to Carrie Bradshaw and Tony Soprano, sex and therapy technically existed, but sexuality, in its deep interrogation of sex and relationships, was still esoteric; The sofa, although interesting, was taboo.
Perhaps most importantly, “non-monogamy” was still called cheating, and the idea that such behavior could be “ethical” was lost to everyone except those on the margins of society, who were a swinger’s party away from a Louis Theroux documentary.
Twenty years later, and Perel, at least for the emotionally literate and online terminal, is virtually a household name, with an estimated net worth of $15 million. As sex in captivity celebrates its milestone with a special anniversary edition, it has grown its reputation from cult bestseller to self-improvement must-read, and Perel has become the poster-woman for enlightened modern love.
His rise to fame has coincided with the growth of “therapy culture” and the explosion of celebrity culture, extending far beyond straight show business. These changes have played a significant role in shaping his career – and they themselves have had a huge impact on how we view ourselves and our relationships.
Perel has written extensively on the cases, describing infidelity not as a fatal blow to a marriage but as an opportunity to explore the underlying dynamics that led to it. This alleged removal of the “villain and victim” narrative has proven controversial; Some have argued that their work generally promotes bad behavior and encourages people – especially women – to remain in relationships they would be better off leaving.
Yet, at the same time, it has also helped us to be empathetic, make better-informed decisions, and deepen our understanding of ourselves. Many people regard him as the ultimate relationship guru, listening to his podcasts, buying his books, and following him online. He has also had an impact on the arts: in 2017, he advised on the drama dizzy Starring Dominic West and Ruth Wilson; Recently he served as a consultant on Olivia Wilde’s sticky portrait of two marriages, invitationAnd she worked on the development of the upcoming drama let Love In.
“Art can do things that therapy can’t do,” Perel said. new York Times – Yet here he is, a doctor with a seat in the writers’ room.
sex in captivity It sold well in its first decade, but did not become a global phenomenon until seven years later. In 2013, Perel gave a TED Talk – the ultimate forum for experts – on “The Secret of Desire in Long-Term Relationships”. The video went viral on YouTube. This summarizes the book’s main argument that the security and familiarity of marriage fundamentally conflicts with the isolation needed to foster desire—and that to sustain sexuality over the long term, couples must cultivate not more closeness, but more mystery.
If a Belgian psychiatrist talking publicly about sex didn’t seem like the most marketable prospect in the early 2010s, she soon captivated people around the world, including married couples facing the same issues she was talking about, but also a generation of young adults who were beginning to realize that images of Hugh Grant, Colin Firth or Ryan Gosling kissing you in bad weather were a realistic depiction of a romantic relationship. Was not.
This growing interest in emotional intelligence directly coincides with the rise of it and social media – two things that, in their pursuit of self-actualization, are themselves directly related. In turn, social media enabled a marketplace for both ideas and people on a scale never seen before. During the 2010s, the book’s popularity – along with Perel’s – skyrocketed.
Perel’s philosophy is now so ingrained in the way many of us think about relationships that his ideas may seem obvious. With the need to maintain separation in a relationship and the idea that infidelity should not be the death knell for a marriage, Perel has written and spoken extensively about the idea that modern monogamous couples are under more pressure than ever to be everything to each other. We demand from our partners what we once demanded from a village – as our society becomes increasingly atomized and devoid of traditional community, we impose on our partners not only our childhood traumas and primal desires but also our basic lifestyle needs, causing relationships to become burdened with expectations.
It would be no exaggeration to say that Perel’s popularization of all these ideas has revolutionized the way thousands of people think and talk about relationships: they have enabled more understanding, more connection and, undoubtedly, a lot more sex. Perhaps it is no coincidence that over the past 20 years it has become increasingly common for couples to be “open”, that is, non-monogamous, or even completely polyamorous – a trend that links up with the idea of the “village”, but also, of course, with a rethinking of the meaning of infidelity.
Perel’s incredibly successful podcast, where should we startThe therapy was revolutionary in channeling real voices from the room: couples would see him for a one-time session, which would then be condensed into an episode and combined with his retrospective insights. When it first came out in 2017, it was thrilling: the juiciest parts of reality TV paired with expert commentary and a lens through which we could consider ourselves and our relationships.
Perel said at the time that the podcast was like a “public health campaign for relationships”. This kind of access to the inner workings of couples therapy – again, once reserved for a certain kind of literary set, or only the most broken relationships, and now so popular it might even be your first Hinge date – was unprecedented.
Its success speaks to an entertainment culture in which fact and fiction are often blurred, with real people providing us with drama played by fictional characters. Now, of course, we’ve expanded beyond podcasts couples therapy, The Showtime documentary in which we not only hear but see couples’ therapy sessions with mysterious and empowering psychoanalyst Orna Guralnick (who has become an Internet icon herself in the seven years since the show first aired), features multiple sessions over the course of one season. A Netflix knock-off, blue therapyCame out last year (but it originally debuted on YouTube as a web series in 2021).
Perel said of his podcast that Couples Therapy was “the best theater in town”, and of his 2017 book state of affairsThat infidelity was “the whole human drama, and I thought, except to the opera, where does one go for that?” There is now plenty to choose from for those for whom Opera is not enough.
It would be unfair to suggest that Perel’s motivations were cynical or that his work did not help thousands of people. And she has immense charisma: That fuzzy accent and those piercing blue eyes make everything she says captivating, even before she gets to the juicy stuff. Yet it’s also surprising how, in the social media environment, she has become a celebrity – the protagonist of modern relationships. His personal brand is so strong that it may threaten to eclipse the true essence of the ideas; His actual brand, the part that makes him money, dilutes the therapeutic environment somewhat. A recent Instagram caption read, “My new betrayal material will include repairs.” “Comment on the waiting list for VIP access.”
Although his podcast is engaging, I have found his style to be a bit preachy, coming to summarize or condense clients’ statements into stories that seem almost too neat to me. If those who dislike her for her rookie-apologies think she uses niceties to indulge people too much, for me it’s almost the opposite: the well-worn grooves of Perel-isms – you feel it, she feels it, desire, “dance” – have become rather prescriptive templates, and, spoiler alert, the algorithm loves it.
Perel wrote sex in captivity In public discussion “the most complex issues become instantly polarized, and nuance is replaced with caricature”. True, you only have to read the since-deleted excerpts about her to know this – but being very public herself, can she really remain anonymous?
now in the sixth series couples therapyGuralnick has talked about the projection that occurs on a collective level as a result of the show, especially for couples who tune in for the new season. They’ve almost all seen it before, which affects their expectations of what it will deliver. The same is true for Perel’s followers, although unless you’re calling for one of the podcasts – that also extends to esther callingshort call with someone, and how is workWhich raises questions about the entirely less-than-shiny world of professional relationships – most of us don’t form real therapeutic relationships with them.
What we do, however, is project onto it the imagination of a person who has all the answers to difficult and complex questions. Olivia Wilde said, “She was incredibly helpful in terms of my personal development and understanding of relationships and she really blew my mind. I’d never met anyone like her before.”
‘Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence’, Special 20th Anniversary Edition, out now